How to Avoid Avoidance
Inner turmoil is largely unavoidable. It is also uncomfortable and stressful, which is why most of us try to escape or control our fear, depression, anxiety, worry, confusion, and self-doubt. We mistakenly believe that avoiding or getting rid of unwanted, anxiety-provoking thoughts, painful memories, or unacceptable emotions will protect us from suffering. So, when we experience difficult emotions, like shame, anger, guilt, sadness and disappointment, we habitually deny, distract, numb or suppress. Psychologists call our unwillingness to feel certain emotions experiental avoidance experiential avoidance. While compulsive self-disregard and emotional repression seem like brilliant strategies at first blush, they can actually predict a wide range of psychological problems including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive symptoms, post- traumatic stress symptoms, addiction and eating disorders, among others. And, scientific evidence has linked emotional repression with adverse physical health effects, including decreased immune system function and increased susceptibility to diseases such as arthritis, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, IBS and multiple sclerosis.
The truth is, pain is an inevitable part of the human condition. No matter how much we deny what is happening, it still happens. Trying to control how we feel, or not letting ourselves feel so-called negative emotions, takes a tremendous amount of energy, robs us of our vitality, and ultimately leaves us disconnected, stressed or shut-down. We suffer, not because life is painful, but because we resist our pain—Suffering = Pain + Resistance. In her book, Emotional Agility , award-winning psychologist, researcher and author Susan David, calls avoidance “the enemy of the good” and defines our unwillingness to face discomfort or potential failure “dead people’s goals”. This means that if you’re conscious, you will also have sensations, painful emotions, and awareness that something is going on. Resisting our pain only amplifies it. The good news is, there is another way.
What are emotions anyway? Simply, emotions are adaptive physiological responses : they involve the entire body and are essential to survival. At the core, emotions involve a complex sequence of neurological, cardiovascular, musculoskeletal, and hormonal changes in the body that prepare us to take action. According to Russ Harris , author and acceptance and commitment therapy trainer, emotions serve three primary purposes: communication, motivation, and illumination . Our emotions communicate through physical actions-our facial expression, body posture, movement, and voice show others what emotion we are experiencing. Our emotions motivate us to move—they ignite the fight/flight/freeze response and prepare us to act in certain ways. For example, fear motivates us run or hide, anger motivates us to fight, and sadness motivates us to withdraw. Lastly, our emotions illuminate what matters—they tell us something important is happening that needs our attention. For example, fear illuminates the importance of trust and safety, anger illuminates the importance of setting boundaries, and sadness illuminates the importance of healing after a loss.
The antidote to avoiding avoidance
Now that we know emotions are adaptive and impossible to control, it’s time to dig into the power of acceptance. We must give up the idea that pushing away or ignoring the reality of what is happening is a cure for our pain. Instead, we acknowledge that emotions don’t magically disappear only because we avoid them. Instead of fighting with our emotions, we notice the struggle, and drop the rope.
“We are about as effective at stopping an emotion as we are at preventing a sneeze”. -Antonio Damasio
This means facing whatever is happening, just as it is. It involves a different way of relating to our distress and discomfort. This is easier said than done. Sitting in painful emotions is hard. But, when we stop rejecting our inner experiences, we can deal with our reality as it is, not as we want it to be. Embracing our emotions, enables us to be more open to the truth of who we are. Acceptance is not about resignation or passivity. Acceptance is the willingness to just let things be and and experience them as they are. It involves allowing our experiences to be as they are—whether we want them or not, and whether they are pleasant or painful. It means we stop struggling with what is, and make room our emotions, thoughts and sensations, non-judgmentally—with openness, curiosity, and kindness.
When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. -Chinua Achebe
So, next time you find yourself struggling with your emotions, thoughts or sensations, try something different:
Notice whatever arises-Breathe into it
Allow yourself to feel it-Open up to it
Sit with it-Give it some space
Hold it gently-With kindeness, curiosity, and compassion
Just this.
